I'M LIKE A TRASHCAN, HOLDING ALL THE INFORMATION

Godzilla (Monster Island charity volleyball tournament, 2004)

All right, Mothra. You talked me into it.

1. I wish people wouldn’t take my rampages so personally. Nobody has ever mentioned all the construction jobs I create when I knock down a building. I guess the media will always focus on the negative.

2. Case in point: That incident with Donnie and Marie on the “Today” show.

3. I blame myself for Junior’s autism. If I knew then what I know now, I never would’ve let the scientists vaccinate him.

4. As a film, I just don’t think “Chicago” captured the raw sexuality of the stage version. Fosse’s choreography was an afterthought. And Richard Gere as Billy Flynn? He’s no Jerry Orbach.

5. After years of fighting, Gorosaurus and I have let bygones be bygones.  I now consider him a friend and inspiration: Not everyone can battle bipolar disorder while battling giant monsters.

6. When a tank artillery shell explodes on my face, it leaves an oily residue that causes me to break out.

7. I can change the color of my radiation blasts with a truckload of Tic-Tacs.

8. Ali MacGraw will always be the love of my life. I begged her to stay with me in Tokyo and not do “The Getaway” with Steve McQueen in 1971. She went anyway and broke my heart. Her face still haunts me. I hope we can be friends some day. I’m just not ready.

9. If Steve McQueen were alive today, I would stomp him to death.

10. I have mixed feelings about atomic energy. On the one hand, that nuclear blast gave me untold power, immortality and fame. On the other hand, if I never mutated, I would have lived an anonymous, ordinary lizard’s life … and I never would have met Ali — the woman who broke my heart.

11. I think Dick Cavett is a pompous asshole. My publicist specifically said “no questions about Ali and Steve McQueen” in 1973. And what does he do? Unbelievable.

12. Tokyo’s growth since the 1980s is a testament to the power of yoga. I keep everything in perspective now. The rampages are a distant memory.

13. As vice president of Monster Island’s neighborhood association, I promise you that I will not stand for any further gentrification. The Wal-Mart alone made (association president) Mechagodzilla short-circuit.

14. Again, I deny any involvement in December’s overnight destruction of the Monster Island Wal-Mart. I was doing my yoga poses and turned in early.

15. I also deny any involvement in the 1973 destruction of Dick Cavett’s home. I was nowhere near Santa Monica at the time.

16. I’ve had to install dimmer switches around my cave because of severe migraines. The scientists say they were probably caused by the fighter jets colliding with my head.

17. I believe King Kong’s sex addiction is nothing to joke about. It destroyed his marriage, and his children won’t even speak to him anymore. Please show some sensitivity, Mr. Leno.

18. I can’t hear “Love’s Theme” — by Barry White and the Love Unlimited Orchestra — without breaking down. Ali and I danced to that song when we summered in the Hamptons. It was like a dream.

19. My biggest regret was the variety show for ABC (1976). The format really didn’t play to my strengths as a performer.

20. Everybody asks me what I think of that Blue Oyster Cult song. I guess it’s OK. I’m really more into the slow jamz. If El Debarge or Teddy Pendergrass does a version, I’ll put it on my Zune.

21. Yes, I AM a PC, if you must know.

22. Before any of you judge me for crushing innocent Tokyo residents, let me ask you something: Have you ever stepped on an insect just because it was in the wrong place (e.g. bathtub) at the wrong time?

23. Don Cornelius has been a true friend in a business devoid of loyalty and integrity. Even in my darkest hour (see No. 11), he had my back. Thanks, DC.

24. I’ve defeated Rodan in mortal combat several times, yet I still can’t beat him at Texas hold ‘em. He OWNS the Monster Island Poker Club. Are we all still on for Friday, Rod?

25. I never thought I’d see an African-American president in my lifetime.