I'M LIKE A TRASHCAN, HOLDING ALL THE INFORMATION

Did you know that July is National Hotdog Month?

Yeah. I didn’t know either.

And as unaware Americans celebrate this special month at ballgames, church picnics and strip-club buffets, the good folks at PETA are making sure we all feel horrible about eating dogs made out of … well … dogs, probably.

A few weeks back, PETA sent two of Playboy’s most respected sex objects — Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole (at right) and “Cyber Girl of the Year” Jo Garcia — to our nation’s capital, where the buxom pair handed out “veggie dogs” to leering lobbyists and horny congressional pages.

It’s not the first time that PETA has used hot hot hotties to push its pro-animal agenda. You might remember PETA’s banned Super Bowl ad, for instance.

Now we all like animals, and we all like pretty ladies. But come on, PETA: One of these things is not like the other. Even if you’re a 16-year-old hopped up on Cialis, nothing’s gonna kill that carnal excitement like a lecture on salads, fur coats and whaling.

PETA, put some pants on. You’re not sexy. Here’s why:

1. Brody’s girlfriend
For starters, no one can take your spokeswoman seriously: Jayde Nicole  insists that “The Hills” is real. Smart is sexy, Jayde (if that is your real name).

2. Ground Chuck — Upchucked
There’s nothing sexier than supermodels. And they actually DO eat meat.

(… right before they go to the bathroom and throw it all back up, but I digress …)

3. That’s not love in the air.
PETA has obviously never been in a bedroom with someone who ate a black bean burger seven hours earlier.

4. “She gotta pack much back.”
PETA says that, “Vegetarians are, on average, significantly fitter and trimmer than meat-eaters are.” Sir Mix-A-Lot, however, says “round and big” butts are more attractive. Who has the real sex-expert street cred here: An animal-advocacy group, or “Chief Boot Knocka”?

And last but not least …

5. The numbers don’t lie.

Porn is still a billion-dollar industry.

The slaughterhouse footage industry, on the other hand? Not so much.